The Distinguished American Post-Meteoric Collision Survival Guide
October 3rd, 2007
Here we go…story number one. I took a stock photo for this one, edited it up a bit, and claimed it as my own, such as it is. Hopefully by Sunday I will be able to bring you something with a reader-submitted photo instead of my own. Thanks for reading!!
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The Distinguished American Post-Meteoric Collision Survival Guide.
2nd Edition
Published by The Peoples Republic of California, Nevada and Arizona (a.k.a. The West Coast Republic)
Introduction
Good day citizen! Thank you for taking the time to read The Distinguished American Post-Meteoric Collision Survival Guide. Included within this handout from your friendly local government is everything you need to know to ensure not only your continued survival, but also that of our species!
This guide will cover everything in great detail within the individual chapters, but a brief outline is in order in case you find yourself in desperate need of quick information, after all, if you missed our 1st edition, you may be in bad shape! If you’re in need of immediate medical attention and are not able to make it to one of the pre-established underground hospitals, please refer to chapter 5 for information on treating cuts, burns, gunshot wounds, and that pesky hacking cough you get after visiting the surface.
If you’re still with us after that, let us first start off with a grave congratulations! You are one of the healthy, lucky people to have made it through the greatest natural disaster ever seen in the lifetime of man. Don’t let yourself despair now over lost friends and family. We must look forward, and re-establish our claim on Earth, scorched as it may be. In fact, our remaining scientists theorize that the surface could be inhabitable within thirteen generations, and may even begin to support plant-life once more at some point in the distant future. Hope prevails! Now, on to the outline!
Chapter 1: Don’t Kill Yourself!
Don’t fret citizen! Life is different now, but you can be strong! Are you bored? There are pages of Sudoku puzzles in this chapter to take your mind off the plight of humanity. Finished all those? There are lots of ideas for fun and games too, including “catch dinner with only one hand” or “have sex and reproduce”! Also is an overview of the Safe-Dome project, which may, one day, let you see the sky once more without the severe coughing fits and lung collapse normally associated with forays out on the topside. Some days, it’s reported, you can almost see the sun through the layer of dust surrounding the planet! Things are looking up, citizen!
Chapter 2: Essentials
Though this chapter, which contains information on basic underground life likely seems a refresher for the majority of you who have made it this far, there may just be a tip or trick in here that will improve your quality of life! There is, for example (and rather importantly), a guide to building a proper latrine, which is becoming an increasing problem. Fight disease at it’s source, citizen! Also included is information on reproduction techniques to try and maximize fertilization potential, which leads into our next chapter…
Chapter 3: Finding a Mate
None of us want to end up with the Skravies! Watch for the telltale signs in the opposite sex to see if they are infected with this new and sterilizing disease! Remember, cloudiness of the eyes and a flowery odor about the genitals are signs to keep away! This chapter also includes visual cues of strong survival genetics, ideas about managing multiple partners, and for our male citizens, a guide to good birthing hips in a partner.
Chapter 4: Vegetation and You
If you’re one of the lucky citizens who managed to scavenge some UV lighting before being forced underground, then this chapter is for you! Do your part for civilization and grow all the food you can, while you can! A complete guide, from seeds to stalks, and everywhere in between, to make your own underground greenhouse. Goodbye rat soup, hello corn soup!
Chapter 5: Emergency Medical Care
For everything from gaping wounds to Skravies, and all points in between, this is your quick-shot guide to medical care. While we recommend all medical care should be performed in one of our hospitals or nurse-camps set up across the West Coast Republic, we understand that the journey is dangerous, difficult and distant for many of you to the nearest facility. For that reason, this chapter just may save your life, or that of a loved one.
Chapter 6: Neighbors to the North, and Elsewhere.
We are still worried but optimistically hopeful about Washington, seeing as it is completely silent as far as communications go. While we aren’t sure what happened there, we do know is that the Oregoners have lost it. If you see anyone wearing an Oregon license plate as a necklace, or are otherwise informed that you are dealing with someone from Oregon, beware! This chapter contains some identifying traits of the Oregon survivors (a.k.a. the O-State Cannibals), and various ways of dealing with them, including stabbing, shooting, severely beating or running. Also includes a breakdown of the remainder of the former United States of America and the safe/danger zones therein.
Chapter 7: Looking After Yourself
Your friendly government understands it’s difficult adjusting to this new life, citizen, but be strong! We are working for you! Your food-taxes are being well spent to feed Skravie sufferers who are gladly exchanging their health and well being by working outside on the surface to create safe-domes (see Chapter 3). We will need to make sure you’re in tip-top shape before you’re granted time in these luxurious spots, so make sure you read this chapter, which is all about staying healthy and fit! Strong tips abound, such as: Always eat your one meal a day, and get as much exercise as possible, (check your camp’s bulletin board for Spelunking and Cave Wall Climbing groups, or form your own) and don’t take unnecessary risks! Remember citizens, be safe, be happy, and most importantly, have sex!
Thanks for reading, and remember, a healthy citizen is a reproducing citizen!
[As a side note, don’t forget to teach your children, at some point, how to read. Remember the new slogan of the Peoples Republic of California, Nevada and Arizona (a.k.a. The West Coast Republic): “Rebuilding from within, to rebuild from without.”]
2 Responses to “The Distinguished American Post-Meteoric Collision Survival Guide”
1Nick
October 3rd, 2007 @ 12:24 pm
LOL! Very creative! I can’t wait to read the next one.
2roQue
October 3rd, 2007 @ 1:51 pm
Good job, sir! Bioshock influence, perhaps? Good thing we got those Mexicans to rebuild stuff for us, quickly and on the cheap! Oh….you say they all got wiped out? Damn….that “Day Without A Mexican” movie was prohetic.
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